Nag Hag be Gone
Would you like your Nag Hag to just be gone? Do you wonder how you got here? How did you turn into this Nag Hag? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and question what happened to that fun lovin’ gal who made folks laugh and was the life of the party?
A Nag Hag rant only proves how impotent
you are as a parent
Raising my teenage son has had me question my good manners, my behavior, and frankly my sanity. Everything I believed to be true about my personality has been challenged and hung out to dry. I have been driven to the precipice and dangled dangerously on the edge and come perilously close to taking a long walk off a short pier . . . or forcing my son to! . . . and even then, he still didn’t clean his room!
When my Nag Hag readied to scrimmage, inevitably THE ROOM was the objective
Now truthfully, it’s only moms who care about THE ROOM. Husbands are nonplussed at their wife’s sheer rigor for the campaign; and your teen, who hasn’t seen the carpet in THE ROOM since forever, can’t figure out what the big deal is because there’s a path to the bed! All I could think about was a Bermuda triangle: a vortex of sweat, stale farts and toxic socks. After all, what would people think about me?
Fact is, it should never have been about me. We moms have too big an investment in our image. Your teen doesn’t care about your mental health, why should you own their problems with cleanliness, tardiness, and homework?
When your Nag Hag threatens consider this:
“It’s all about a power struggle and control”, explains Dr. James Jones in his Effective Parenting Audio for FamilyIQ entitled, Rescuing and Teenage Retirement. “The universe is not set-up to control others. The world is set-up to have free agency. When the issue becomes control, all is lost. [Your children] have nothing to lose and everything to gain; you on the other hand only prove how impotent you are as a parent.”
Being a Nag Hag is akin to being in battle
In a recent Ted Talk by Scilla Elworthy (see link below) on Fighting Violence with Non-Violence, I was reminded of a quote from Confucius on the parallels between family conflict and world conflict:
To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order;
to put the nation in order, we must put the family in order;
to put the family in order, we must cultivate our personal life;
and to cultivate our personal life, we must first set our hearts right.
Elworthy explains that for change to take place we must understand and adopt three things: Similarly for our Nag Hag to be gone, we must embrace these same three fundamentals of change.
1. Self Knowledge: What are my formidable strengths and what drives me to collapse? What has to happen within me for change to take place?
2. Our Fear: Elworthy describes the three o’clock in the morning monster of angst that wakes us as “My fear growing fat on the energy I feed it.” She challenges us to rise from our tortured and trouble sleep, have a cup of tea and, “Sit with your fear. You’re the adult, fear is the child. How can you help comfort it and resolve it?”
3. Our Anger: “Wherever there is injustice there is anger, ” Elworthy declares when describing the world stage. Our home life is the same, whether real or imagined, if our sullen teen believes there has been an injustice delivered by his parents – he’s angry – and so are his parents if they believe he has committed an injustice with respect to their family values.
“Anger is like gasoline – spray it around and it becomes an inferno,” explains Elworthy, “but it is also a powerful engine. Anger can give us the energy to drive us through unjust situations. It is hopeless to be angry with people, they are just doing what they believe to be true. We need to and we must funnel the anger to drive change in the situation.”
If I knew then what I know now . . .
I would have learned how to stop being the message. I would have learned how to extract myself from the situation and employ consequences to teach my son about being a free agent; the responsibility of choice and the privilege of independent decision. “Consequences”, Dr. Jones shares, “that are reasonable, relative and consistent, can actually change behavior and instruct responsibility.” Now that’s a gift!
Older and wiser parents told us when our son was born to cherish those early years, because when he turned 13 we were going to turn stupid and we’d stay that way until he was 21. The early years were a friggin’ honeymoon compared to the painful passage of time with our teenage alien.
Now we’ve come to learn through FamilyIQ’s treasure chest of Effective Parenting information that our teen alien phenomenon was not an isolated incident. If only my Nag Hag had known about the maturing cocktail of raging hormones, identity formation, and immature executive function; if only I’d had information like that provided through articles like, “Teenage Brian: A Work in Progress”, I would have known that an adolescent’s brain doesn’t mature until at least 25 years of age . . . well duh! When you don’t know what you don’t know, it’s easy to make mistakes.
We’re going to be stuck in stupid for a few more years, so there’s still time for my Nag Hag to be gone and a whole new relationship to begin. There’s a lot of stuff we make a big issue of that’s never as important as the relationship.
Learn how to be an Effective Parent through the amazing parenting skills offered by FamilyIQ through assessments, audios, and self-administered online interactive courses created by industry professionals. If you’d really like your Nag Hag gone, the change begins with you. Put your heart right and learn to be the parent you want to be. Opt-In on the form below to try a FREE ASSESSMENT
References: Scilla Elworthy, founded Peace Direct which supports local action against conflict, and Oxford Research Group, a think-tank devoted to developing effective dialogue between nuclear weapons policy-makers and their critics. To view her TedTalk on Fighting Violence with Non-Violence . . . and think about your Nag Hag be Gone.